


Just more of the same.

by Firebog



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-16
Updated: 2014-03-16
Packaged: 2018-01-15 23:24:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1323142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firebog/pseuds/Firebog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would you rather have? Peace or freedom? Except those aren't really the options are they? What sort of freedom do you get when you have it thrust upon you? When everything else is taken away?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A parting gift

**Author's Note:**

> A wee bit of canon divergence but it all ends up the same anyway. Starts up at the end of season 5, right after Castiel leaves Dean in the impala.

He watched them from the darkness across the street. He guessed this was supposed to be a parting gift. To just get ditched in front of their house in the middle of the night. He watched as the woman smiled gently and touched the girl's hair. The woman leaned forward and said something into the girl's ear. The girl smiled up at the woman. He imagined she said something endearing. He watched as a man came into the living. He watched the way the woman brightened and smiled. The way they touched and kissed. Everyone was happy.

It's a crap parting gift. Here, look at everything you missed. Look how happy they are. Look how safe they are. Look how they've moved on. You can decide if you want to wreck their lives again. You can decide if you want to drag them down with you.

He turned away. He couldn't watch that anymore. He was intruding on someone else's life. He'd let them have it.

He pulled out his wallet. He had forty dollars in his wallet. He dug through his coat pockets. An FBI badge. A credit card. A necklace. He could remember bits and pieces of these things. He could remember someone sliding the FBI badge into his pocket. He could remember someone clapping the credit card into his hand. He could remember someone dropping the necklace into his open palm. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom?

The words came to him unbidden. He felt like he had just said them. What would you rather have? He rolled the chunk of brass around in his hand. Peace or freedom? He looked over his shoulder at the happy family. What were they supposed to be?

He started walking. He'd rather have both- for them at least. They could have it. Peace and freedom.

He found himself at a bus terminal after an hour of walking. He asked for the first bus heading out of town. His throat felt raw and sore when he spoke. The woman at the counter didn't seem to notice. She asked him where he was headed, what bus did he actually want? He gave her the truth. It didn't matter where it went as long as the bus went away. That's were he'd go. Away. He hesitated when it came time to pay. He took out the credit card and swiped it. A few moments later he had a bus ticket. The woman hadn't questioned the credit card.

The bus came fifteen minutes later. He got on. He picked a seat towards the middle and curled his arms up. He tried to rest his head comfortably on his folded arms. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom? He'd rather have oblivion at the moment. A few moments later he got his wish when he dropped off into sleep.

He woke up. It was still dark out. The bus had stopped. He asked the person in front of him what time it was. It turned out he had slept for six hours. He looked out the window. This was as good a place as any. He stood up and left the bus. Where would he go now? Still away he guessed. He started walking. He let his feet take him where they would. He'd walk until he couldn't think anymore. He'd walk until it was all gone and he didn't have to chose. Peace or freedom?

At some point he became aware that it was close to dawn and that he had stopped in the middle of the road. He didn't remember the endless streets and stores of the city. He didn't remember when that did in fact come to an end and turned into houses and more streets. He didn't remember when the densely packed houses gave way to grass and trees and the occasional home. He took in what he must have been staring at for quite some time.

He could have almost laughed when he realized where he was standing. He could remember this place a little, remember being here with others expecting to march to his death. He sighed defeated and walked up the driveway. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom? He didn't get either. Just more of the same.

He knocked on the door of the house. He thought about just going in but he was a stranger here even if he looked familiar. He heard someone rustling around on the other side of the door. He wasn't surprised by who answered. He thought maybe he should have been but there wasn't much that surprised him anymore.

"Cas."

He stared for a moment. Maybe it would be better to pretend- to just _be_ Cas. Let them think something had gone wrong. They had told him what Castiel sounded like, that he sounded different from him. He could lower his voice, keep it there until he was hoarse from the effort. He could try. He remembered enough of the last few months, he thought it might be believable.

"Cas?"

He stared while he remembered the way Castiel had bled over, how he had been oozing into him like a disease when he was falling. He had known then that if Castiel fell it would kill him. He didn't know if it would have festered and eaten away his soul or if he would have just gone to heaven. It would have been easier if Castiel had just fallen, just taken away the decision before he ever got here.

" _Cas?_ "

He stared. It would be dangerous. They would expect things of him. They would think he wanted to be here- take part in their lives. That he would want to hunt. He could die.

"Hey Cas!"

He stared and he didn't move. _Hey_ _Cas._ Did it really make a difference? He was dead- legally anyway- already. Everyone had moved on. If he went back he'd tear apart what they had built. _Hey Cas._ What would he do otherwise? If he went back he'd just put them all in danger again. He'd have to watch everything fall apart all over but this time there wouldn't be any divine intervention when the demons came. And come they would. _Hey Cas_. What would you rather have?

"Hello Dean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thing is, I could almost see Cas doing this- here, go be with your family- and not get just how horrible it would be. He hangs out with the Winchesters who fuck everything up to be with their family, of course he'd think it was the right thing to do. The Winchesters at least have the skills to defend themselves. Jimmy would just be a guy who is legally dead, sells ad space, and has to avoid his family or demons will come and abduct them.


	2. Not Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It still made him feel like a dog being dumped out in the middle of a country road; his owners giving him vague reassurance that he was free now.

"Jimmy?" Dean stared at the man in front of him and that's what was in front of him- _a man_. He looked dead on his feet. "How'd...? What happened to Cas?"

Jimmy couldn't even summon up the energy to look annoyed. _What happened to Cas?_ Right. These people didn't care about him. These were Castiel's people. Castiel's _family_ he supposed. "Heaven. I guess."

That struck Jimmy as darkly humours. What happened to Cas? Heaven happened to Cas. He could say the same thing about himself. What happened when heaven happened to you? Well you lost everything. Your reward was this. He stood on Bobby Singer's porch and stared at Dean. Maybe he should have just pretended after all.

"So Cas bailed. And left you _here?_ " Dean asked. It was just as weird seeing Jimmy this time as it had been the first time.

"No." Jimmy wasn't about to explain his night to Dean. He didn't owe Dean anything.

"Dean? What the hell- **_Cas?_** You look like hell." Bobby came up behind Dean.

"It's not Cas, Bobby." Dean was still staring at Jimmy thinking how strange it was. "It's his vessel."

Jimmy sighed. He didn't even get his own name anymore. He was just Not Cas. The vessel. Cas's meatsuit. He wanted to be mad about that but he just didn't have the wherewithal to care anymore.

At least Bobby had the decency to let him in. Dean and Bobby shared an awkward moment on the porch and a few moments later Jimmy heard the impala rumble away. He was almost mad that Dean was just leaving, but if he didn't owe Dean anything, Dean certainly didn't owe him anything. He closed his eyes and fell asleep on the couch. He didn't know this place but at least he felt safe here.

He woke up to the sharp smell of whiskey under his nose. He sat up slowly. Bobby was staring down at him offering a glass, the source of the smell. Jimmy accepted it. Might as well, right? What else was there to do? They were silent for awhile. He didn't remember enough about Bobby to know if that was a bad thing or a good thing. Belatedly he realized that Sam had not been with Dean. There was a memory there. Of Sam being with Dean. Then pain. Then Sam wasn't with Dean. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom?

"What happened to Sam?" Jimmy asked. He knew it wasn't tactful but Bobby had put up with Castiel for years. Jimmy would take advantage of that. He wondered what it was Sam chose. He didn't think it was peace or freedom.

"Jumped into the pit. Took Michael with him." Bobby said while staring off at a point above Jimmy's shoulder.

"Oh." Jimmy figured there was probably more he could say but why bother? It'd be just as sincere as a hallmark card. He almost remembered that now. He remembered telling Dean that was what he was going to see. He felt his face pull into a reflective look, it was a look all his own. If Sam pulled Michael into the pit with him how was Dean...oh. Right. Adam...the youngest Winchester. He wondered how the angels had swung that. Had they offered Adam peace or freedom?

Bobby let him stay for nearly two months while he got a new identity and some credit cards to help start a new life. Bobby was even trying to arrange a job for him. Jimmy didn't really know why he bothered. He didn't really have any plans to stop living but he didn't have any plans to keep living either. He assumed Bobby did it because once upon a time he had been Castiel. Now he was Not Cas.

When Bobby declared it was time to get going Jimmy didn't comment about it. He just gathered up the couple of things he had accumulated in two months- a couple of extra sets of clothes- and got in Bobby's truck. Jimmy had the feeling that Bobby didn't like it when he wore his coat because it wasn't his coat in Bobby's mind, it was _Cas's Coat_. And he was Not Cas. Bobby never openly complained.

Jimmy wondered if this was freedom for Bobby, hunting monsters and helping out strangers. He didn't think Bobby had chosen to hunt monsters because he was a good man who cared about innocent strangers. Hunters in general didn't seem to chose to become what they were for the greater good. Was it freedom if you just went along with the choices made for you?

Bobby drove him a couple of towns over. A non-hunting acquaintance had agreed to helping him out. Jimmy was going to be some sort of legal aid assistant. Jimmy had said simply he didn't have the background but Bobby assured him it was just going up and down stairs to get files and boxes out of the stacks. He could do that he supposed.

Bobby dropped him off at a motel with a piece of paper; the address of his new place of work and a couple of phone numbers on it. There were no heartfelt goodbyes. Bobby left with a terse, _stay out of trouble_ , and was gone. He wanted to be a little angry with being abandoned again but Bobby didn't owe him anything. He guessed he owed Bobby a little bit now. It still made him feel like a dog being dumped out in the middle of a country road; his owners giving him vague reassurance that he was free now. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom? Neither. He didn't want any of it. What sort of freedom did you get when you had it thrust upon you? When everything else was taken away?

He went to the job Bobby had arranged for him for a couple of weeks before he just stopped going. He gathered his things and checked out of the motel a day later. He walked to the nearest bus station. He bought the first ticket out of there. He stopped at a wall of storage lockers and stared. He still had that necklace in his coat pocket. He had forgotten to give it to Bobby before he left. He could put it in one of the storage lockers and phone Bobby, tell him which one. Bobby could give it to Dean. Would Dean want that? He thought the necklace had something to do with Sam. He wondered if Dean would want a reminder of what he had lost. Would that bring Dean peace? His bus came in before he could make a decision.

He stayed on the bus until it reached the opposite end of its route a day later. When he got off the bus he picked the nearest motel to stay in. Something about it seemed familiar but he didn't know if that was because he thought it was familiar or if it was left over from Castiel. He spent the next few months like that. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom? Had he chosen freedom? Was this freedom? Bus rides, motel rooms, and credit card fraud?

It was early fall when it happened. He was eating lunch because he guessed that was what people who had their freedom did. Eat lunch. Go to sleep. Do it again tomorrow. A light bulb popped. The alarm clock buzzed with static. The tv in the motel room flickered. He put his sandwich down. Wasn't this ever so familiar.

A high pitch whine filled the room.

Jimmy laughed bitterly.

The noise raised in pitch.

"The Apocalypse. _Again?_ "

The sound stopped.

Jimmy picked up his sandwich. He finished it before getting up to change his clothes. He pulled on the suit he had kept on the off chance that he stayed in a town and tried to get a job. He did up his shoes and combed out his hair. He put his coat on. He stared at his wallet. Why bother? He didn't think he'd be coming back this time but then, he hadn't thought that he'd come back last time either.

The ear ringing whine picked up again.

"Don't make me a bunch of promises."

The whine lowered in intensity.

"Does it really matter?"

The noise rose back up sharply.

"Okay, okay. Yes."

What would you rather have? Peace or freedom? Does it matter? This is what he gets. Just more of the same. Just more being shot and stabbed and healed. Just more being dragged all over the earth. Just another apocalypse. So what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personally I think when Cas comes back "new and improved" at the end of season five Jimmy's soul has been booted out and is presumably in Heaven (if Anna gets her own body I don't see why Cas couldn't), but could you imagine just how horrifying it would be if he wasn't and then Cas proceeded to eat a bunch of leviathan? Or worse still if when Cas vomited out all the souls back into Purgatory he accidentally ejected Jimmy's soul too? The potentially disturbing results of Jimmy still being present are many and varied.


End file.
